Thursday, March 12, 2015

Theres A War Going On Outside No One Is Safe From...So I Just Ate Everything Instead.



Brew Of Hearts was a smashing success. Almost 450 attended in the dead of winter, The Jordan Years killed it, the brewers killed it and there were silent farts happening all around me. I was also witness to a butch lesbian try to take home not one but two girls at once. This is what makes events great.  


After 2 cancelled flights, I finally made it out to Nashville and didn't waste a single second of this trip having already lost two days. This also meant that Ted's precious itinerary was ruined which made me happy so we just went off the cuff with Arnorlds being the first stop. 


A line always equals greatness ahead. 


As well as a JBF award.


And in case you live in a terrible house that needs cleaning Vilma be on that grind B. 


I wanted to shove every little place onto my tray. Everything smelled like great home cooking which means butter...a lot of butter. 


My humble meal full of salt, meats, wheat, and a well of gravy in a pile of mashed taters. The meal was no frills and was just good ol' home cooking. No pretensions, no need for stressing any kind of authenticity of being southern food, it was just good ass food that made you wish you had a black grandmother. 




Afterwards, we thought it'd be fun to visit the most depressing open market shop in the world. Nashville shuts down with 2 inches of snow and weather that is below 30. Are you fucking kidding me? You guys are seriously freaking out when Boston had over 3 feet of snow and was still functioning efficiently like a Nike sweatshop? Also whats up with leaving your station like a A bomb just hit? I should have just stolen a bunch of shit and done a "pop up" farmers market stand but who would go when it was almost 40 degrees and sunny?









Luckily, Corsair distillery remained open and held tours whilst they kept their beer bar open. There were avid whiskey fans ready for their time slot with drinking shoes on.


Stopped by the Pinewood Social over in East Nashville and quickly realized that I took a strange portal to what a bastard child would look like if Williamsburg Brooklyn fucked a young Logan Square. 





Ted pointing to his invisible Korean shame. 



Food was good and all and the place looked great, just felt soulless and a copy of a place you'd go to as a last resort in a larger city. I understand that I'm totally sounding like a jaded privileged prick, but this is what happens when you grow up in a larger city and I realize what I come across as so I like totally like get it? Like totally? 





I completely forgot what the name of this bar is but homie Eric from Corsair highly recommended this place for its oysters, good beers and its sausage themed bathroom. Pooping in a bathroom surrounded by the things you are pooping out does things to your psyche man. Like full circle man...


The Air BNB we were crashing at had this awesome vintage music player thing which was ruined by the modern oval shaped music playing thing sitting on top. 




You have to punish yourself with this amazing hot chicken. Prince's holds it down in the hood in a strip mall. Clientele were real ass hungry people who can handle the heat and  an overall chicken shack feel that can't be imitated. The group I went with and I pussied out and got the mild and medium chicken but still sweat like whores giving out free handies. It was a punishment that I wanted more of mentally but not physically. 


Feeling somewhat satiated and punished, we decided to head over to Andrew Jackson's crazy ass house. Our trip was short lived as it was closed due to the CRAZY ass winter weather...and the slaves that Jackson owned that finally escaped. For real though, this dude was a nut job according to Katie who had a massive clit boner for Jackson. 



Not to be deterred from our itinerary to get drunk and enjoy the snowpocalypse, we headed to Turtle Anarchy and had awesome beers. Ted decided it would be an awesome idea to have 6 stouts within an hour. This made for a great experience listening to an ex army vet yelling at cars that had no idea they were getting yelled at. 



















So the group and I did a fancy ass but casual dinner after being rejected by Andrew Jackson, eating hot chicken, drinking beer, and driving around for over 2 hours in a tiny ass Ford. We did an epic 15 course meal to end our night followed by cocktails at Patterson House right above Catbird Seat. This kind of dining is not easy to do when traveling and imbibing on everything on lost time. I ended up puking up in the middle of the night which was interesting because the food that came up definitely didn't end up resembling any of the above amazing courses. It tasted mostly like wine. 


Another flight cancelled and now stuck in Nashville. Instead of sulking, we decided to enjoy the extra day and go off the beaten path and check out the Loveless Cafe over yonder. 



Well known for the biscuits, this was the groups second full plate of biscuits. Good lord these fucking biscuits made me want to live in Nashville for a moment. The sorghum syrup was interesting and tasted very local and of the area. And yes, we all played the children games on the place mat. 


This is a normal serving for one. I opted for the BBQ pork after seeing the smokehouse back. It was tasty and over the top as is the whole ranch. A separate gift shop for knick knacks and a whole separate building dedicated to their shirts and apparel. If you build it, they will come...and buy a bunch of shit they don't need. 



Made a quick stop into Jack White's homage to himself and his choice of music and things that he thinks you should buy because it looks cool and vintagey. 






We figured that if we are stuck here with an army vet, might as well exploit him and use his discount and stay at a baller resort called the Gaylord Opry. This fucking mega plex houses like 15 bars, a night club, 8000 rooms, and every single fat American you can think of in every color sweat pants. 





We weren't going to be deterred by the massive 2" snowfall as long as the ramen shop stayed open. Otaku South moved into a brick and mortar/ramen lab for guest chefs and is serving some killer authentic variations of this bowl of Jap comfort. 


I mean, c'mon. You aren't even trying anymore. 






Checked out Lost Lake Thank You in Logan and finally had a proper sit down drank/eat situation. It was good aaaaaand thats all I have to say about it. The drinks were out of control strong and sweet. Not my cup of tea, not because they weren't crafted well, I just realize that I don't like sweet tiki style drinks. The food was decent, but there will never be a comfortable situation with food in this place. Ill stick to Longman on this one. 


Checked out the revamped California Clipper and almost fell asleep. SO FUCKING RED IN HERE. 














I think we pretty much ate the whole menu at Momotaro, a birthday, a bottle of bourbon for the kitchen and avid fish eaters will usually summon this amount of food. 


Its not obvious by this photo, but this glass of Pappy cost me $32. All that was missing was my handle bar pube statche. 








Vegetarian bachelorette dinner atop one of the fanciest ballrooms all served on plastic disposable plates. This place has an elevator that opens up to the kitchen...to awesome old school industrial grade kitchen equipment. It made me dry heaving from being hungover almost bearable, but then again, the bottle of Buffalo Trace probably helped out way more. 


Look at this thing! Fucking awesome! Im sure its laced with all kinds of lead and unhealthy German engineering, but looks so cool! 


Ancient wooly mammoth poon. 



Re did the Clybourn Burger Bar chalkboard. Let this be a lesson to restaurant/bar owners - DON'T LET EMPLOYEES TOUCH YOUR SHIT.


Hang in there little guy. 



Work days like this make me really fucking happy I do what I do. The homie Stuko helped out with this project done with spray for the Garage/Salsa Truck. This is what happens when cool ass owners let people do cool ass shit.